As I watched a show called “Once upon a time” I started thinking about fairy tales and the expectations that we glean from them. Let’s take for example one of the first ones I read as a child, “Cinderella”. You know the story, the girl has cruel stepmother and stepsisters and is basically a maid for them. The prince is holding a ball and every eligible woman in the kingdom is invited to go. To make a long story short, Cinderella is visited by a fairy godmother who dresses her in a fancy gown with glass slippers and she goes to the ball meets the prince and lives happily ever after. Sounds amazing right? The thing about fairy tales is that they are entertaining stories of things that have never happened. They make you believe that someday my prince will come on a white horse and whisk me away to live in a castle.
Or if you are a Christian, the Bible, as well as churchgoers and church staff tell you that God will bring you a husband in his time or when you have been faithful enough, you will get your husband. It’s kind of in the same vein, at some point in your life your dream man will come. Not only do you have those influencers you also have romance novels and romcoms all hinting at the same message. You as the woman has to wait for the man to come and rescue you from your dreary life, pick you up, dust you off and make you whole. It’s insulting in the least but my point was that we watch those shows and read those books and what do they all have in common? Well besides the fact that until your prince comes, your life is worth a hill of beans, the characters in a large amount of those stories are white and they have wealth or at least a fair chance at access to it. Black men, unless they play a sport, or are entertainers of some sort, don’t have the same access to resources that those characters do in the movies and stories. While we say “we were once kings and queens” the truth is we were and are everyday people. The average black man can barely attain and maintain a job much less keep us as black women in a style and custom that we see on television, read in books or see in movies. It’s not reality. In reality, they are being hunted by Zimmerman’s or the police. In reality, business owners would rather give us a job than them. And if a black man is unable to do what we have been acculturated to believe is a man’s role(protect and provide) what good is he right? Or if let’s say a black woman has a job that provides her a six-figure income, and her husband stays at home with the kids and cooks meals, cleans the house, he is ridiculed and why? Maybe he can cook better than she and she may be too busy in college and later on working to learn. As long as everyone’s needs are being met, what is the problem?
Traditionalist people like my mother and myself feel like that is the woman’s job. But honestly, if my husband can do it better than I can and if the opportunities are being provided to me more so than him because of the oppression that we live under, what is the big deal? I think we stay winning with that model. So your life is not like you imagined it and you have to be the breadwinner. As long as everyone is actually eating bread and the laundry is done and you didn’t have to do it what is the actual harm? It’s important that we begin to set our own rules about what’s important and stop following theirs. In all honesty, they don’t even follow the rules they set. Marriage to them means three things:
1. A way to combine resources.
2. A way to continue the line and perpetuate the resources to the next generation.
3. A way to continue whiteism and to teach it to the next generation.
Marriages in the white community are not about love and romance, they are about finance.
I have to be personally honest for a moment. As a child, my life was, to say the least, hard as hell. I dealt with issues of inadequacy, abandonment, and self-esteem. I at times put myself in the mindset of those fairy tales that I read and spent most of my life waiting to be rescued from it. As a result of that kind of thinking, I am 43, unmarried and have no children. I share this to simply say the fairy tales we read as children, and the romance books and movies are strictly for entertainment purposes only. They make us feel good, sure but they keep us in this space of expectation and waiting and hoping and dreaming instead of living life. And then when we actually meet someone of substance, because we have all these ideas of what the perfect partner should be we pass over diamonds in the rough because they aren’t exactly what we think they should be. We are literally prisoners of war people. The things that we value in a man have to shift simply because we have no time for them. They don’t work. They are killing our brothers, our lovers, our fathers, our sons because they fear them. At the same time, they are giving us what may seem like a come up. But honestly, it’s just a way to create more division in the collective. When are we going to understand that whether we like each other or agree with each other’s belief systems or opinions none of that matters? That at the end of the day we need to unite under the melanin. My current man crush Gadzo at the end of every video says “check the melanin”. He gives me life every time he says it. All these petty beefs we have with each other about religion, beliefs, who we love, and what we say we are or are not, really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we define who we are, how our society should work and what we believe. As black mothers in a very similar fashion to white mothers due to the obliteration of our mores and culture tell black men what they have to do to earn our love and respect. Go out and conquer the world. Protect and provide. This has worked for white men due to them pounding in the ideas in our head that they are superior and due to them hoovering up our time, ideas and other resources. However, this does not and cannot work for us. We don’t have the same advantages that white men such as Jeb and George W and the Kennedy’s have. We can’t turn the sow’s ear of crime into a silk purse of political gains and influence. We weren’t born with a silver spoon in our mouths as the old saying goes. And even if we were it wouldn’t take long for them to steal it.
Black women, I implore you, to stop thinking about the perfect man, perfect wedding that can cost upwards of 25,000 and is in Aruba, forget about perfect honeymoons and diamonds that size of a skating pond. Forget about everything that you have seen on Television, movies and what you have read in books. I watched Eat, Pray, Love recently, as a woke black woman and my heart broke. Tell me, Black, woman, when was the last time you could afford to take a year off and not worry about bills? When was the last time you met a man, a wealthy black one who didn’t have to work very much due to owning a billion dollar company a la Christian Grey? When was the last time you met a black man who wasn’t struggling to be able to afford to breathe daily? I need you to get the stars out of your eyes and look around you. They are our men. Black men are public enemy number one. Pale people know that if anyone can and will unite us, It will be our men. If anyone will see our beauty and power it will be the black men. If anyone can help you see your worth, it will be them. Wake up, baby. They are taking our ability to win this fight from us by stealing our most precious resource.